Oder: Der getrennte Papi schmückt sich einmal mit fremden Federn.
Worum es heute geht: Einige verstimmte Elfen, das “Christmas thing”, Senior North Pole officials, eine ernste Hüftverletzung/Kamine, “I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” (Song), die Rentiere essen Kekse, Charlie Sheen kauft sich Mr. Niceguy-Image, unglaublich.
Kleine Vorrede: Ausnahmsweise erlaubt sich der getrennte Papi ein kleines journalistisches Zauberstückchen aus dem New Yorker (Dec. 20 & 27, 2010) auszugsweise zu zitieren. Ben Greenman ist es nämlichst gelungen, einige hunderttausend Dokumente zu analysieren, die ein schwer verstimmter Elf veröffentlicht hat über den prominentesten Bewohner des Nordpols: unser aller Weihnachtsmann. Nach Wikileaks nun mithin Santaleaks, die uns erstaunliche Einblicke in das Walten und Wirken von Santa Claus erlauben. Der getrennte Papi stellt die Exzerpte im englischen Original ins Netz; ein jeder Leser möge sich sein eigenes Bild machen. Anyway: Thanxxx, Ben.
“…Santa has, over the years, acted to undermine potential successors, privatley dissparging one of his nephews as ‘lazy’, another as ‘not really committed to the whole Christmas thing’ and yet another as ‘incapable of growing a beard of the appropirate size, if you know what I mean’…
After Santa suffered a serious hip injury, in the late seventies, the Prime Minister of Norway offerd him access to several chimneys to conduct entrance and egress excersises.
A reported mixup in 2004 that brought eleven-year-old Jack Keller, of Seattle, a book of math games instead of a football was not accindental: Santa was sending a message.
During home visits last Christmas, Santa spied on the C.E.O.’s of several Fortune 500 companies, and collected personal data including but not limited to credit-card and frequent-flier-numbers.
The song “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” has more basis in truth than was previously thought; elves worried for years about Santa’s philandering, which began to decrease only recently, after Mrs. Claus discoverd an illicit text messager from an Arizona school board member…
Most cookies left out for Santa end up being fed to the reindeer.
In 2007, Santa suppressed the delivery of gifts to more than a thousand residents of Los Angeles as a result of his displeasure with the movie “Fred Claus”.
Just this year, Santa accepted a payment of twelve million dollars to keep Charlie Sheen on the ‘nice’ list.
A potential environmental disaster was kept secret by the North Pole in 2008, after a large bag filled with painted blocks from Vietnam fell from Santa’s sleigh into the Anglezarke reservoir, in Lancashire, raising fears of lead contamination. Elves with scuba gear and flashlights were sent on to retrieve the blocks under cover of night.
Contrary to popular belief, Santa cannot really tell when you’re sleeping or when you’re awake, but he will fly into a rage if his ability to do so is questionend.”
Ein regulären getrennten Papi gibt es wieder übermorgen, am 24. Dezember…